Letting Go of Shame
In her book When You Don’t Like Your Story, author Sharon Jaynes writes about shame and the damaging effects of such a painful emotion on people when they aren’t able to forgive themselves. Jaynes writes, “Shame isn’t just the feeling that you have done something wrong, but a sense that you are something wrong. It is the intensely painful belief that you are damaged beyond repair and therefore unworthy of love and acceptance. Shame is a deep-seated belief that you are irreversibly flawed because of past failures, mistakes, abuses, or misuses.” Shame eats away at you until all you see in yourself is the problems or mistakes that you’ve dealt with in your past, and you start to forget who you truly are–a beloved child of God. However, because you’re a beloved child of God who is more precious to Him than anything, He has a plan to use those failures and mistakes for His glory and your good.
“Shame isn’t just the feeling that you have done something wrong, but a sense that you are something wrong. It is the intensely painful belief that you are damaged beyond repair and therefore unworthy of love and acceptance. Shame is a deep-seated belief that you are irreversibly flawed because of past failures, mistakes, abuses, or misuses.”
A story that Jaynes uses to illustrate God’s redemptive work in the lives of people who feel overwhelmed by the weight of their sin is the story of Rahab. If you don’t know the story of Rahab, I can sum it up (or you can read it in Joshua 2): Rahab is a prostitute living in the city of Jericho, the city that the Israelites are about to conquer. Joshua had sent two spies to scope out the city, and the men took refuge in Rahab’s home, as she was a prostitute and that would have been a great cover for two foreign men passing through. The men would have known she was a prostitute because in those days a woman in that business would hang a scarlet cord outside her door to show that she was open. For Rahab, that scarlet cord would have signified her greatest shame and sadness, as the whole town would have known what she did to make her living. Shortly after the men come to stay with her, their cover is blown, and the king of Jericho sends an order for Rahab to have them leave. Instead, Rahab tells the men she will help them escape if only they will ask their God to show mercy on her family when the city is destroyed. The men agree and tell Rahab that she and her family will not be destroyed on the day Jericho crumbles, as long as she has her scarlet cord hanging from her window and all her family gathered in her house.
So that red cord, the thing that filled Rahab with shame, would ultimately be used by God to save the lives of her and her family. How amazing is that? Jaynes writes, “The sign of her shame became the sign of her salvation. The sign of her worst chapter became the symbol of her greatest victory!” God doesn’t intend for us to bow our heads and hide our faces when we openly defy him and fall astray. Instead He invites us to come to Him with all of our brokenness out on the table so that He can forgive us, love us, and use those faults for His glory. God loves nothing more than to bring a lost and broken child out of the darkness and into His wonderful light.
In the last post referencing this book, I talked about forgiveness, and how the best way to set ourselves free from hate is to forgive others. In the same way, if we want to set ourselves free from the shame place, we need to give it to the Lord. One of the enemy’s greatest tactics is to convince us that we need to keep whatever shame we’re experiencing hidden. He whispers to us that whatever we’ve done or had done to us is too terrible, too much, too embarrassing, etcetera, for us to share with anyone. So instead of releasing ourselves from the burden of shame by bringing it out into the light, we let ourselves be shackled to it and don’t tell anyone what’s going on.
The very first step to healing from shame is to tell our heavenly Father about whatever it is that we’re hiding. The Bible says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). God knows you inside and out, and He knows the parts of your life you’d rather keep hidden from everyone else. He is calling you to bring those parts out and tell Him about them so that they can stop plaguing you. Talking to God about the parts of your story you’d rather forget is a great first step to release yourself from shame.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
The second step to healing is to tell trusted friends and family about what you’ve been hiding. In the book of Ephesians, Paul encourages all believers to bring their darkness to light and says “For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light” (Eph. 5:8 ESV). Releasing those details to others, while it might be scary, is ultimately going to be the most freeing thing you could ever do for yourself and it will bring so much healing. Let go of your past by bringing it into the light and find the forgiveness God has promised you.
When I was in middle school and high school, one huge problem I dealt with was gossiping. I was extremely insecure, and one of the ways I coped with all of the problems I had with myself was to rip on others behind their backs. I even talked about people I was, quote unquote, “friends” with, because I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut whenever I heard the latest ‘tea’ on someone, as you might put it. I was completely untrustworthy and a terrible friend for a lot of high school because I was dealing with so much insecurity, and I was taking it out in very unhealthy and harmful ways.
My parents heard about a girl in my middle school who was being bullied, and unfortunately I was one of the ones who was talking garbage about her. I had never bullied her to her face, but I had been in the wrong just as much by bad-mouthing her in a group chat with some of my other classmates. When my parents found out what I had said about her, their disappointment in me was glaringly obvious, and I remember exactly what I felt: shame. Deep shame. Shame that seeped into my core because the way I had talked about that girl was wrong and I knew it. I immediately burst into tears and started profusely apologizing to my parents, although they weren’t the ones who needed to hear me say that I was sorry. They told me I needed to set up a time to meet with that girl and apologize to her, not them.
Getting together with her, telling her what I had said, and apologizing were all so humbling because I felt like an awful person and all I really wanted to do was to crawl under a rock and hide. But after it was done, and after she accepted my apology, I felt free. I still struggled with gossip through the rest of high school, and it’s something I am continuing to work on today, but not hiding what I’d said to that girl and bringing it out into the light brought healing not just for her, but for me as well. I would strongly encourage you to do the same. If you have something that you feel is just too awful or too much to bring before the Lord, let me reassure you that He is ready to hear it and to forgive, accept, and love you.
God wants you at your best and at your worst. God wants your happy stories and your yucky ones. Give God what’s weighing you down and begin to live a life of freedom that comes from a life that is fully surrendered to Him. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth every ounce of effort that you put into it. I am cheering you on!
