Forgiveness: The Jesus Way
As we are all aware, we live in an imperfect world plagued by sin and the consequences of that sin. Unfortunately, one of the consequences of sin that we all live with is unforgiveness and the resulting broken relationships. Pause for a moment and take a quick inventory of your relationships - where is unforgiveness keeping you from experiencing the joy of connection and intimacy with others? With God?
A few years ago, I was struggling to connect with God on a more intimate level and asked him to show me how to move past the disconnect that I was experiencing in our relationship. Through a time of fasting and prayer, God revealed to me that there were several relationships in my life that were broken and in need of healing and restoration. The scripture that God placed on my heart was Romans 12:18, and the admonishment in this verse reminded me to do everything in my power to live at peace with others.
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. ”
This time of prayer and reflection led to a year of seeking God’s direction and revelation in showing me who I had offended over the years. I began creating a list and prayerfully asking for divine intervention in seeking forgiveness from these individuals. What I learned in the process was that many of these people had been waiting for me to apologize for the wrong that I had committed. Others had moved on and had seemingly granted “forgiveness” without the need of hearing an apology. Sadly, I also discovered that there were a few people I had hurt so deeply they would not even consider hearing me out or granting me the forgiveness that I had hoped to from them.
In studying scripture to learn about forgiveness and what God required of me, I learned that true biblical forgiveness as modeled by Christ is not what mainstream Christian culture typically teaches. Most teachings I have heard through the years focus on forgiving without anything required of the offender. Yet, from what I have studied, forgiveness doesn’t work that way. Jesus taught and demonstrated a simple model of forgiveness that is refreshing and therapeutic – especially for those who have been wounded by the actions of others. If you are ready to consider a new approach to forgiveness, I encourage you to continue reading (all the way to the end) because forgiveness is not necessarily what you have been taught. The Jesus Way is refreshing and restorative for those in need of healing.
The purpose of forgiveness is to restore relationships that have been broken. The level of restoration is often tied to the level of intimacy that existed prior to the offense, but it is a sincere apology that makes forgiveness and reconciliation a possibility. Without an apology, the person wronged often desires justice over mercy because their sense of morality pushes them to demand justice for the wrongdoing. Genuine forgiveness and reconciliation are two-person transactions enabled by apologies. Did you catch that? Forgiveness requires two people, two roles, and two actions.
Transaction 1: An Apology
It has been widely taught in the Christian community, even by some of my spiritual heroes, that you can forgive without an apology. I respectfully disagree. If true forgiveness requires a transaction, then an apology is absolutely necessary for forgiveness to take place. Hear me out before you simply stop reading and scroll to the next flashy thing on your phone!
Jesus tells us that we are to forgive others in the same manner that God forgives us (Ephesians 4:31-32). How does God forgive us? Stop and think about that for a moment. What does God require of you and me for forgiveness? He requires a transaction that involves us repenting of our sins before he grants his forgiveness to us. The one who has offended must seek to make things right with the one that has been offended. Without the offender acknowledging her need for forgiveness, reconciliation cannot take place. The same applies in our human relationships with forgiveness.
This transactional approach is simplistic, and maybe you object to this idea. One argument that I have heard is that Jesus forgave those who were killing him, and they didn’t apologize. But if you revisit that section of scripture, you will find that is not what it says. Rather, Jesus prayed for them and released them to his Heavenly Father to mete out their justice (Luke 23:34). Jesus expressed his heart of compassion and his desire to see those who were killing him forgiven, but their forgiveness came later when they acknowledged that they had killed the Son of God (Acts 2:22-24, 40-41). Jesus showed us what our heart posture is to be towards those who hurt us.
Transaction 2: Forgiveness
Christ grants forgiveness to those who repent. There is nothing in the Old or New Testaments that indicates that God forgives the sins of people who do not confess and repent of their sins (1 John 1:9). Therefore, when we encourage someone who has been wronged to forgive someone who has not repented or sought forgiveness, we are asking them to do something that even Christ himself does not do! The example that Jesus has given us regarding forgiveness is that we are to always be willing to forgive just as he is always willing to forgive those who repent.
A New Term is Needed: Release
Forgiveness without an apology is often taught and encouraged within the Christian community for the benefit of the individual who has been wounded by another. While the intention is good, the problem with this approach to forgiveness is that it does not lead to reconciliation as taught in scripture. When there is no apology, the Christian is taught to release the person to God for justice (Romans 12:19) and to release one’s anger to God through forbearance.
In this form of “forgiveness” the individual is not practicing forgiveness at all but a form of release that allows the offended to release their portion of the burden to God and to live at peace as much as is possible from their perspective (Romans 12:9-21). This is a one-sided, non-transactional approach—not forgiveness as defined in the biblical sense. Therefore, I am suggesting that a new term is needed: Release.
Forgiveness: The Jesus Way
The art of releasing one who has offended us to Jesus is therapeutic and can bring healing on a spiritual, physical, and emotional level. Research has shown that physical symptoms like migraines, GI issues, anxiety, depression, and stress are among some of the physical symptoms that can be alleviated when we practice the art of release. This is especially true for those who have endured suffering and may never hear an apology from the offender. Let me explain by sharing a piece of my story with you.
I grew up in a home where I was sexually abused for years. While I sought help from my mother, she disregarded my claims and did not take me seriously. When I was older and had the courage to share with a teacher, he tried to help, but my mother was a force to be reckoned with. It wasn’t until after one of these instances when my abuser beat me so badly that my entire back was covered with bruises that my mother finally listened.
Learning to release my abuser has been easier than learning to release my mother. Why? It is easier because I am not in a relationship with my abuser so there is no real opportunity for reconciliation. However, with my mother, it is complicated to be in a relationship and to never hear an “I’m sorry” for the role she played in the pain that I suffered under her care. I have had to learn to change my expectations of her and to have a heart posture that is ready to forgive and reconcile when the opportunity presents itself, but until then I have released the situation to God knowing that I have done all that I can do. In doing so, being around her no longer causes feelings of hopelessness or despair and I have learned to find my worth and value in Christ alone.
As I’ve tried to demonstrate in my sharing, learning the art of release can be a beautiful thing, but it should never take precedence over biblical forgiveness as modeled by Christ. When we apologize, we accept responsibility for our actions, which opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation–this is the Jesus Way of forgiveness. Without an apology, the offense can become a barrier to our relationship with others and our relationship with Jesus. Good relationships are always marked by a willingness to apologize, forgive, and reconcile. What do your relationships look like? How does Jesus want you to respond?
I am praying that you will embrace the transactional approach to forgiveness –The Jesus Way – and seek out opportunities to have reconciled relationships with those whom you have harbored grievances against in your life. I recognize this won’t be easy and it runs contrary to the Worldly Way that you may have been taught, but it is worth the effort. If the art of release is needed in your life, I am praying that God will give you the strength to release those individuals to him and to trust him in his infinite mercy and grace to act on your behalf. May God bless your surrender as you seek to live out his model of forgiveness.
*While I wish I could claim original thought to all of these ideas, I want to make sure to point you towards When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. I read this book years ago and it is these authors who challenged me to really dig into scripture and discover the truth that lingers between the pages for all to see. It was this initial investigation into scripture that challenged my old ways and thinking and eventually led me to the actions that have given me emotional freedom over things that once held me in bondage. It is my prayer that you too, will experience this freedom that comes from living The Jesus Way.
—Heather