Connect: Be the Friend You Wish to Have
The first two rhythms in Rebekah Lyons’ book, Rhythms of Renewal: Rest and Restore, seemed familiar and almost comforting to me in their recommendations and suggestions. Then she started detailing the next rhythm: Connect, and I find myself challenged and at times discouraged, by realizing repeatedly that this rhythm is not one that comes easily or naturally to me.
What do you think of when you hear the word friendship? Maybe a better question might be whom do you think of when you hear that word? What precious faces come floating into your mind, making you smile with how you feel about them? Does the word friendship carry with it a positive connotation to you?
To be honest, I personally don’t think friendship is an easy concept nor a simple idea. I think female friendships especially can be fraught with challenges. I think about the way that some of my friendships started, developed, and ended, and while searching in my heart and past for the ways that I have experienced that word in my life, I find threads of pain, regret, and hurt. I find sadness connected to the concept of friendship sometimes too, which doesn’t seem right. Perhaps you can relate.
To be honest, throughout my life, my longest-lasting and best friendships are almost all with males. They are also the simplest friendships: ones where I was accepted as myself and not made to feel that I should be different somehow.
“Forging friendships in a new community takes time, and it isn’t always easy” (159) Rebekah Lyons admits in her chapter about initiating friendship. Walking up to someone, smiling, introducing myself, and making a friend in that manner sounds about as manageable to me as climbing Mount Everest. I am shy. I can be awkward. I don’t always know what to say or how to say it. Breaking into an already formed circle of females literally makes me experience actual symptoms of panic. The scars that I have from friendships ache when I put myself out there, and I think I just don’t risk it anymore sometimes. Most of the time when I see those circles at places where I go, I just duck my head and keep walking.
Our two oldest children went to a private school near our home over seven years (for our oldest) and three years (for our second). When we chose to leave that school community, I didn’t feel like anyone noticed, cared, or mourned our departure. It had been incredibly difficult to try to make friends with other parents - and looking back at it now, after a weekend of beautiful camaraderie with our homeschool basketball community, I can see that my husband and I have at last found that community of friends we were hoping to find, and I am so thankful. But that wasn’t easy either, as you don’t have as many of those natural connections you should have with other parents whose kids go to the same school as yours. You have to find these people, and then the even harder step for me, at least: get to know them.
To paint an analogy from my perspective, I would say that friendship is a tender and timid flower - so beautiful and yet so fragile. Putting yourself out there and then wondering, “Are they going to like me and accept me?” is about as vulnerable as you can get. There’s always that chance of rejection or disloyalty. I vividly remember a sunny spring day when a group of my 5th grade classmates and I gathered at a nearby church parking lot to ride bikes. As I pedaled quickly around, a broad smile on my face, in that carefree moment, I had no idea that one girl had been whispering jealous lies about me in one of my best friend’s ears. I never did figure out the whisperer’s motivations; for a long time, I simply assumed she had a heart full of blackness and hatred. I didn’t understand that maybe she was jealous of me and was sowing seeds of unkindness in her wake. All I knew was that it was my first encounter of someone brazenly and intentionally trying to make my life more difficult socially. And it hurt so much for a long time I could hardly talk about it without crying.
Wouldn’t it be nice if that was the only scar that I had from social situations? However, it’s far from the only hurt that I’ve had, and this leads me to shirk away from advice to connect as that word has challenges built into its very essence, and I dread it. A blog post is supposed to bring its reader to some kind of conclusion or place of better understanding, so I agonize over how to finish this one-sided conversation.
Perhaps the knowledge that other people too struggle with deep and meaningful friendships encourages someone who feels alone in the world. Maybe the truth of our struggle in one atmosphere but “finding our people” in another space and place plants seeds of hope within your heart. A takeaway should be: don’t give up! Don’t deny its importance. Even those among us who enjoy the introverted life need people and can find them if we know where to look. Believe in the perfect plan of how God created you to be and embrace that as you look for those who see the diamond in you shining and appreciate the gifts, qualities, and personality that you bring to this world.
Of course, there are also those of you who find connecting with people as easy as breathing. If you’re that type of person, keep doing what you’re doing! Look for those who walk by with their heads ducked down and invite them into your circle. You also should embrace and celebrate the beautiful way that God made you to bless people and make them feel welcome in your presence. May God bless us, every one, with the tender gift of friendship and connection! Remember, Proverbs 27:9 that tells us “A sweet friendship refreshes the soul.”
