The Gift of Loneliness
Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University who has studied loneliness extensively, says social connection is something we biologically crave. “We’re social beings and our bodies respond when we lack the proximity to others.” She goes on to say that the new normal prompted by Covid-19 “is a difficult kind of situation where we need to remain socially connected…while being physically distant.”
The situation is particularly serious, given that many Americans were lonely before the coronavirus pandemic hit. As the pandemic continues to dictate social distancing as the new normal, the plague of loneliness continues to spread. According to a January 2020 survey of 10,000 Americans ages 18 and over conducted by Cigna, 61 percent of adults — three in five — reported they are lonely. With Americans more physically isolated now because of coronavirus precautions, the sense of loneliness is even greater. Social distance has led to emotional distance. We have limited interactions with extended family, friends, neighbors, and the elderly, especially if they reside in a nursing home or an assisted living care facility.
Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. While it may seem obvious that individuals who live alone are experiencing loneliness at a greater rate than those with families or roommates, those living alone are not the only ones who are suffering. Loneliness can strike anyone, at any time and at any place. Have you ever been at a large event surrounded by hundreds of people and felt like you were all alone? When we lack emotional connection with others, loneliness strikes.
My current season of life often leaves me feeling lonely. I actually find myself longing for the days when my sons’ teenage friends would hangout at our house at all hours and devour our food. There was a constant stream of life, vitality, purpose, and company. It is ironic that in those moments I would find myself longing for time alone, for a little peace and quiet (and a smaller grocery bill). Now, I have the smaller grocery bill and the quiet but I want the chaos back!
While I know that this is a new season of life and I need to embrace it, it can feel desperately lonely at times—with or without the presence of Covid. When life deals us a hand of loneliness, how do we learn to call its bluff and win? I truly believe that if we play our cards right loneliness can be embraced as a winning hand—an unexpected gift from God.
Do you find yourself trying to outrun loneliness? Me too. It can be extremely isolating and painful to endure but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Loneliness can become a gift when we allow God to use it to draw us closer to him. Christ is a good example of this. Luke 5:16 states, “But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.”
While Jesus certainly wasn’t lonely, he learned to withdraw to the lonely places to be alone with God and pray. Christ sought out and embraced the lonely places because it was in these places he felt closest to God. When we model Christ’s behaviors, we can experience the peace and hope that come from drawing near to God.
Three (Unexpected) Gifts of Loneliness
1. Intimacy with God
Contrary to what you may be tempted to believe, loneliness can be a catalyst for growth; it can draw us closer to God if we let it. Loneliness can create such a longing for connection that we seek God more often and share our raw emotions with him in a more intimate way. One way that I have grown in my relationship with God during this season of loneliness is by taking walks with him. I can walk for hours pouring out my heart and receiving peace. He listens, never interrupts, and loves me just as I am. (Sometimes strangers give me sideways glances but I just smile and keep walking). No judgment, condemnation, or guilt is thrown my way. God communicates his love and sends his peace when I call out to him.
During these times of intimacy with God, he is teaching me the way of love. I find myself pondering what love truly is. Have I learned to express this love to others? Have I lived up to the expectation to love like Christ? Where have I failed? More importantly, what can I learn from my failings? This time with God is a gift because I allow him to use it to refine who I am in him.
2. Compassion
I have discovered that when I am riding the struggle bus, I am usually not the only one. While I may feel lonely, the truth is that if I were to look around me, I would see that others are on the bus with me– facing their own struggles! So, rather than wallow in my circumstances and feed my self-pity, I can choose to be a part of the solution. When I take my eyes off myself and my situation and place them on others, I can see their needs more clearly. Rather than waiting for someone to meet my needs, I have learned to seek out others and share the gift of compassion with them.
Jesus did this. Over 2,000 years ago he died on a cross so that we could know that love moves first. We love because he first loved us. Jesus made the first move. Now it is your turn (and mine) to do the same for someone else. If you aren’t sure of what to do, ask them! My husband often asks me, “How can I be blessing to you today?” I love it when he asks me this question because it shows me he is thinking about me and what I need. It also communicates that meeting my needs is important to him. I bet you have a friend who could benefit from you asking them this question.
3. Living out your faith
In James 2 we are told that faith without deeds is dead. Your loneliness can become a catalyst for living out your faith when you learn to take your eyes off yourself and seek to serve others.
What would cheer you up or bring you hope and encouragement amidst the struggle? I often feel encouraged when someone takes the time to write me a note or bring a me a small, thoughtful gift. Whatever it is that brings you hope, do it for someone else! I have a friend who lives just a few blocks from my house. During the recent quarantine period I have left baked goods on her porch, brought her a diet coke from McDonalds (they are only $1), and written her notes of encouragement just to let her know that she is valued and loved.
Is there someone in your life that you could share this gift with? We can’t always sit around and wait for others to engage us; we need to seek out opportunities to engage with others. Who is God asking you to serve today?
While the fear of Covid has taken hold in our world and led to legislation that increases the plague of loneliness, loneliness doesn’t have to be a pandemic. Loneliness can be a place where we discover the heart of God, his love for us, and his desire to bless us–if we will just listen to him. To learn more about how God can move in your life in this season, read my post “The God Who Sees”.